Tale as Old as Time

Would you ever want to slow down time?
I am writing this as I make a mental to-do list for the remaining days of my spring break. There is so much work left to be done, and yet instead of anxiety, I welcome each task with this quiet knowing that I would be able to finish them. All in time.

As I have always been patient, I would not describe this as a radical shift in mindset. However, I admit that there was a point in my life where I was caught in between wanting to zoom through the months, only for this rush to be replaced with the longing for a moment. We all want more of what makes us happy. And I have always bravely fought for mine.

This cost me a rather strained temporality. It would never make sense to be angry with time, and yet I was. Worse, I worried about the one constant ushered by the seasons — change.

And yet, I changed. Simply. Willingly.

My dearest friends know how I "logic" my way out of difficult situations. And I do. For someone who drowns in her own sea of emotions, I need to let my mind guide my heart. But I could never explain what brought on the change. It was just time. And I surrendered to the feeling.

It was never easy though, and I don't suppose it would ever be. I hurt people in the process, and for that I would always be sorry. While it is said that time heals all wounds, what I do hope for everyone is some sense of peace.

And once again, it is in time that I am finding a form of forgiveness. As it only moves forward, I take each day as a chance to not hurt anyone. It is a balancing act, especially with my promise to always be true to myself. So far so good though!

Ultimately, I was eased into letting go of control. I have never been one to fear anything, not even the future. But this fearlessness was antagonistic, as I found myself preparing for some battle to come. I envisioned a future wherein I had to fight for my happiness. Until I realized it did not have to be this way.

It is only recent that I developed an almost pure detachment from the future. Almost. I would always hope for the best. Now I do like this version better, one where I do not feel the need to fight. One where I just flow.

With all that has happened, I trust myself more, and I trust in my timing.

One thing that has always helped are the letters I write myself. I write them when I feel overwhelmed; I write as much as I want, and as truthfully as I could. It is cathartic to share, and yet I think the magic of the written word is that it compels you to reflect — before, during, and after the process. My favorite part though, is reading them after some time has passed. All letters lend themselves to meaningful introspection, and yet the ones I enjoy most have been the (embarrassing) exaggeration of feelings! But ah, it is good to be able to laugh at yourself.

I enjoy being reminded, especially of how much I have (hopefully) grown. And, with Netflix picking up season one of my show The Doll Life, I am remembering why I love making dresses. I know I could write paragraph after paragraph about it, and yet never be able to fully capture it in words! So I hope this explanation is satisfactory: that I am happy to make dresses, and happiest when I am able to share them (through fashion shows, with Anime Pasadena coming up very soon)!

Granted, I would always have my own mix of feelings about the show. This might be because I never really thought I would do something like it. For what it is worth, I would always be glad to have shared a part of my story, and certainly, appreciative of the warm reception. Now, dear reader, if you happen to be part of the CA - UK - AU crowd who found this blog through the show, thank you and welcome!

For those who have stood by me since Friendster days, thank you. Always.

Photography by my one true bro, Jam of Jamframe Studios.  

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