Leaving the Liminal

How do you know you are meant to be exactly where you are, right now?
I have always wanted to answer this question. It was something that I simply had to know. And in the previous years, I have repeatedly made the attempt to do so. And yet I seem to have forgotten about it, if not for this reminder:

Stubborn as I am, I determined to find out. This meant living two lives, or perhaps half lives, in two different countries divided by the vast Pacific Ocean, each one with its own timezone. It meant traveling from a day to three, to either the most hospitable or the most horrible of airports. It meant worrying about your overweight luggage, or not at all, as you fill yourself with the heaviness of your heart instead. It meant the warmth of someone's embrace, welcoming you home, and the melancholy of the passing hours, knowing you must eventually leave. And all of these things only the madness of love could allow.

And only with the madness of love did it end.

Sometimes I wonder if I had lived Persephone's life. But that would have been wrong, as even though I experienced the bliss of spring, my other life was never the Underworld. I was happy in both, differently. I fulfilled my promises with someone, just as I accomplished things for myself. My only wish then was for both halves to become one.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends want to cry in my behalf. I have never considered breaking down as a weakness, and a new friend was witness to this. But it has been a curious thing how my friends come to me when I have already recovered. It might be too quick for some. And I certainly hope they do not worry but instead trust that I am strong.

Sometimes I still wonder about belonging, if I am exactly where I am meant to be. But unlike three years ago, I no longer worry about this question. I might not have found the answer but I discovered something more valuable --- that though I lived disconnected lives, I have always been complete. Where I am now, and wherever I go, I am fully me. And this makes adding and adapting new things a fun adventure. 

And what an adventure has this year been so far! I was able to make it to TV production class, despite having already been at max capacity last December. The class is taught by the same Japanese professor who handled video production. I was glad that he sent an email regarding the available slot. Needlessly to say, he has been quite an inspiration to me. I have been able to notice, time and again, that despite his tough love approach, he genuinely means well. It is one thing to teach, and another to care that your students actually learn. I am looking forward to the shows we will be producing in the studio this semester.

I have always had this connection with the TV world, and just the other day, I met up with a friend who was a huge part of my work with Myx TV. It felt like an entire lifetime away, the whole reality show/ Hollywood gig experience. And yet this was all just last year.

Connecting with her again made for a perfect day. I filled her in with the changes in my life, and she reminded me of the things I wanted to do here, the very ones that I thought I had to leave behind. And I felt happy knowing that now I can come back to these dreams, and commit to them. 

I have always been fond of this concept in anthropology called liminal space. It refers to the middle ground, a state of being neither here, nor there. I think of it as a means to make sense of my half lives, as I felt I was living in-between them. But all that has ended. And as I write, I am choosing to be right here, right now.

Photography by Keiaveunalliv and Stray Cat.  

No comments