Desiring the Dawn

I am not one to half-heartedly make something, so here is a rewrite on my first blog entry of the year.

This post was originally about how I picked up my camera again, to take the self-portraits I shared here. I was working on another write-up when a dear friend reached out to me. I realized that my first post deserved to be better, and she reminded me of what I wanted to write.

While I have not spoken with her in the last two months, she has always been a most trusted confidant. And now, I am amused by the thought that she is the only person who still bears my past dreams. I have not told her about all the things that have changed in my life. Not yet, at least.

This brings me to realize how much I have truly changed. I am not one to share about my personal life but I could say that this should have been the year that I set out into a new adventure. It was going to be a brand new life somewhere, with someone. And yet things took a very different turn.

I would be honest and admit that for some time I felt devastated about it. After all, it was a goal that has taken us years to realize and inevitably, taken years from each one of us. However, I have always known myself to recover from any hurt in a short amount of time. I trusted that I was going to save myself, and I did.

My recovery might seem easy, but I prefer to describe it as deliberate. I have always had that trait in me, as exemplified by how I deleted an entire post without a second thought, and revealed in how I redefined my goals as soon as I was myself. And as much as I cherish my memories enough to sometimes linger in the past, I have been gifted with the ability to forget and be free from any recollection and emotion. I am fortunate that alongside the intensity of my feelings, I have the innate practicality to let go of things that do not serve me.

I know I risk appearing cold and callous for divulging this hidden self. But understand that this is never done out of spite. The beauty of life is its complexity and yet, some things should remain simple. And in my life, I always aim to be simply happy.

I still have to live more, and see more, and feel more. And yet insofar as the matters of the heart are concerned, I have come to believe in one thing — that it is best to choose and be chosen in return. Should the latter ever prove unattainable, then I am at peace in choosing my self. This is how I define my happiness.